Hallucinating Fish / Writings / Diary of Angus Campbell

Diary of Angus Campbell

March 11th, 2024, 2:03AM

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I need to know what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just express my emotions like a normal person? I feel like such a fucking hypocrite. I always tell my friends and brother that there’s nothing wrong with expressing their emotions. I try to be there for them when they cry and make sure they know that I care about them. But when I feel sad or angry or anything that isn’t happy, emotions are disgusting and shameful. Why do I think I’m so special? I feel so disconnected from everyone else. I want to show other people how I feel, but I can’t.

Am I just broken? Am I missing some key part of what makes me a person? I cry just as much as the average person, but if I’m near anyone, it just wells up inside me until my chest burns and my voice is caught in my throat and I run away like a fucking coward. Objectively, I know that expressing emotions is healthy and normal, but whenever I try and doing it, I feel like such a fucking spectacle. Something to laugh and jeer at. Something to pity and weep for.

I wonder what my friends think of me. Do they think that I really don’t feel strong emotions? Or that I don’t think they’re worth seeing my emotions? I wish I could express my emotions in front of them, but there’s something wrong with me. God, why does emotional vulnerability have to be physically painful?